Past, Present, and Future Trinity

I am opening my heart like I haven’t before. I am showing you what very few people get to see. The real me. Behind all my sass, behind my sarcasm, behind my kindness, love, and my servant heart. Behind the bookworm, and ninja-like tendencies.The truth behind the good and the bad of me. So here it is:

She is Trinity Nicole Tenney. Just a girl who like many others struggles with identity but has a heart that yearns to be held by the father. A girl that also wants to give all the glory to God, but fails every day. A Woman of God, who has a lot to learn.

And recently she learned the hardest lesson yet as she asked “who am I?” and “where am I?”. This is her story…

Here is something she wrote, as she was completely shocked that she is living in Romania.

“This is my home, These people are my family. It almost doesn’t feel real. This isn’t normal, I am a completely different person. I like Christmas! Everyone knows I strongly dislike Christmas. I don’t know how to be this person because I’m not even sure who she is. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually who am I? I know who I am, but I don’t feel like her. I am different. I am no longer the scared little girl who couldn’t say goodbye. I have changed I am stronger, I am taller, my head no longer down only looking forward. That is what he did to me. He made me a person I don’t even recognize. I go out and talk to strangers every day. I smile, I didn’t even know I knew how to do that. I sing, not fearing what people think of me. I praise and worship in a way I have never before done. I get out my uke on a daily just because I can’t wait to get that closeness to the father. I crave him, I want him every day. He taught me, showed me, what the missing piece was. The missing piece was him. The thing that changed me was him. I had no idea who I could be, and even still don’t know who I am or how I got here. But this new me, I like her. she doesn’t hide, she doesn’t run, she doesn’t. She is new, and like every new person I meet I want to get to know her, I want to see who she can become, grow into.
So for right now in this new place with this new me, no matter how much it doesn’t feel real, I am going live! Celebrate that I have a king, a father, a friend, and a bridegroom who is here loving me! Always refining me, making me into a new me.
As long as that new me is always better and more like Jesus then I’ll be just fine.
I can handle that.”

And here is the thing, as much as it seems like she was okay at the end of that, she wasn’t. Actually if anything, things got worse shortly after. The only thing that was fixed was how she looked at herself physically.

But how could this make things worse????

It didn’t, but in the weeks following it, she lost who she was. Floating. Not here, not home, but somewhere in limbo. She didn’t think she had a place. she was questioning if there was love for her. not just from those around her, but from God the Father himself. she was so close to just leaving, there was nothing there for her. At the same time though she didn’t think back home was where she was meant to be. Did her family even love her? Miss her? Care that she is thousands of miles away? What would happen when she came home? So she just sat there going through the emotions scribbling large bold letters in her journal getting angry that she had no idea who she was, that the girl that was described above was gone. It didn’t matter what people had told her, she didn’t believe it unless they gave her a “why”, cold hard proof, that what they are saying is true.

You see the problem with that is she was placing her faith in all the wrong things. Faith by definition is: ” complete trust or confidence in someone or something” according to that she was putting her faith in facts. Making her faith all about facts and proof. There was nothing that was simple trust in the father that he is and always will be where the truth about her comes from.

But this is what she rediscovered the answer to the question that made more than one appearance in her journal, the question of “where am I?”. Answer: “I am here.”

she wrote…

“…For some reason in this exact moment I am okay, and I feel like I am here. I don’t know what happened but I do know that I am here. Wanted. Chosen. Needed. Loved by you Christ. Doesn’t matter what other people think about me. All that matters is that I know my worth is in the father, in Christ. The one person whose opinion truly matters…His truth is that I am CHOSEN, LOVED, WANTED, BEAUTIFUL, and NEEDED. Resting in his truth is the only way I can look at past, present, and future me and be okay that they don’t all line up. Future me will never be past me, present me is continuously working to be future me, and I am not past me.”

So this is who Trinity is behind all her masks, mood swings, and personalities. She is just a girl, human as she can get. She may be across oceans and on a missions trip, but that doesn’t make her any less susceptible to human nature.

My present hit a rough patch, but as I continue to push into the truths God keeps whispering in my ear I am becoming the future woman of God I want to be.

Have a GREAT day!!! Be HAPPY!! and please please please remember to PRAY!!!! Love you guys!