So yes. Yes, it is Tuesday. And yes I do know I was supposed to post on Friday. Do I have an excuse? Not a legit one, so I won’t bore you.
I don’t like to like. I don’t like people. I find the negative. Everything is an obstacle. I stress over stress. I take the easy way, but I never quit. I feel weaker than a guinea pig. My back hurts, probably shouldn’t have slept on my couch the other day. I worry about current relationships failing and worry about not being able to make new relationships while I’m gone. I waste most of my day away on my phone. I probably should shower more, TMI? I’m not sure how my new job is going to go. I tend to be way too critical, and rude, and most of the time I have no regard to how my actions affect other people. And I feel like my relationship with God is only hanging on by a thread. I’m not living up to my truest potential. I’m fake. I spend too much time caring about things that don’t matter, like looks and how I appear to others, and not enough time on what actually matters, my attitude, and my relationship with God. I suppose to sum up I’m a terrible person. I could use the excuse of only being human. But I don’t want to. I don’t want an excuse, I want to be better, I want to be respectful, have a strong relationship with friends and family more importantly God, I want…well no NEED to shower more (don’t get me wrong I DO shower more than once a week. What do you take me as a Neanderthal?), I want to not worry or be nervous about everything, I want to build up my muscles, I want to not be stressed, AND I want to not be a terrible person. I want God to continue to change me so that one day I am prepared for the mission field.
Yesterday my mom suggested that I just write whatever is bugging me and is on my mind. So there it is. And note this is how I really feel, I don’t want to be judged or worse be given pity. What I want is advice and help. Prayer and scripture. I can’t do this alone and am struggling with so much. I should be able to write this and be telling you about what I read in my devotionals and “Jesus” books ( that’s what I call the books that you read to better yourself but aren’t the Bible), but I can’t. I read them and do them, but I couldn’t tell you what they actually meant. I’m a mess. And I don’t feel qualified enough to speak something that I don’t even understand, and probably had no real meaning to me. So guys if you could do me a favor and blow me up with comments with advice, books, scripture, or you could just scold me. At this point, I will take anything.
Now that you know more about me than even I do, I’m going to steer in another direction….SUPPORT letters! I have almost sent them all out. So if you haven’t got one then it could be on the way. You could also reach out and I’ll make sure that you are sent one if one hasn’t already been sent. If that makes sense.
Now money. The big number right now is $1,220 and some odd number for spending money. Making me almost 8% fully funded. For those who can’t do fast math that is $2,280 to go till my first goal, which is due on June 16.
Speaking of June, I have booked flights for boot camp, and I’m actually leaving a few days early to spend a few days with my Uncle and Aunt. And I’m SUPER excited about that!!!! I haven’t seen him since I was a tiny tot, so I’m basically meeting him for the first time. Which is cool, I get to meet more family!
Anyway since I have spilled the beans about everything in my life, I think it’s time for me to stop while I still have time.
Have a GREAT day!!! Be HAPPY!! and please please please remember to PRAY!!!! Love you guys! And I’ll see you guys on Friday!
Oh and please do comment!
Being honest with yourself is tough. It is even tougher to share it with the world. Don’t beat yourself up. God DOES have a plan for you! Everyday is a new walk with the Lord. We stumble, we fall and then we get up and move on. Hopefully we can learn a life lesson. I am so excited to see the plans that our Father has for you. Love you Trinity.
Keep writing, even if it’s not for us. Let yourself spill every thought and emotion onto the page, every everything. Write what you percieve as your flaws and what’s holding you back and holding God at arm’s length. Put it away and know you can come back any time to add and as you do you open up and start to see you can subtract too. You are wonderful even when you don’t want to see 🙂
Every week you share more than I know I am able to. But for you I will try.
As I have said before… a woman will say about 20,000 words a day and a man will say about 7,000. With this data one would think that a woman SAYS more things, and that the people around her will know more about her. However, as you very well know this is not the case. I KNOW I speak way more than 20,000 words a day (is there a fit bit to count that? ), but very few people know anything about me. Oh I am good at telling things about what is happening around me in my life, but not very good at sharing my struggles and fears ( the emontiony stuff). I can stand on the outside and know that is not good to never share, but not so good at actually sharing. I know God created us to be relational beings (thus the basis of our entire existence), I know that having accountability will help me stay the course ( but having accountability partners also means they will know when I fail), I know that having a shoulder to cry on is very comforting and great for healing ( but I can’t seem to cry fearing others will see me as weak), I also know strength as nothing to do with tears or no tears. ( Doesn’t make sense does it? ) So I encourage you to continue to open up, be bold and strong and put yourself out there for others to see so that God may use them to help you grow in Him.
You are not alone in your struggles, at times I read the bible or my “Jesus” books and I feel that is just a book. Not the word of God. I am reading it as if it is just words on a page and not words from my maker who yearns to talk to me. And other times I feel as if he is sitting right beside me as we “Talk”. How do I change this? I dunno. But I keep pressing forward, continuing to do my best for that day (cuz we all know some days are harder than others ). Hoping that what little I have to give to God He will take and do something great with it.
None of us are flawless, none of us are perfect. The best we can do is continue onward in allowing God to change us to be the best version of ourself we can be. Which doesn’t necessarily mean you need to change your whole self but learn how to use and navigate who you are. Remember, God made you and He already knew who you were before He gave you this mission. He will help equip you, cuz “God doesn’t call the equipped, He equips the called”
I love you sweetie, I am so proud of all the comfort boxes you are stepping out of to find out what God has in store for you.
Hey girl!
Writing and “spilling your guts” is great therapy! Good for you! If each of us did that more often, we might find that self-help we all need! I have a wonderful devotional book that I read morning and night entitled “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young. I absolutely LOVE it and so many times I feel like it is speaking directly to me! This is a portion of the reading for April 17th. ( I often take pictures of the reading so I have with me on my phone)
….I am training you in steadiness. Too many things interrupt your awareness of Me. I know that you live in a world of sight and sound, but you must not be a slave to those stimuli. Awareness of Me can continue in all circumstances, no matter what happens. This is the steadiness I desire for you….Don’t let unexpected events throw you off course. Rather, respond calmly and confidently, remembering that I am with you. …..
I hope this will give you a personal boost. God already has a miracle in you, so don’t expect yourself to be more than what you are ready to be. It will all come together! Hugs dear girl!