“What am I to me?”

I’ve got to be honest with you, the past few weeks have been brutal it has been full of tears, pain, love, freedom, chaos, and complete utter peace. I don’t think I’ve had such an emotional roller coaster. Ya’ll might be thinking. “What about Boot Camp? Didn’t that change your life?” and you aren’t wrong. Boot Camp recked me. Changed me in ways I never thought possible. But here’s the crazy thing. Boot Camp only touched the surface of how God was planning of working in me. I never would have guessed how much Training Camp alone would change my life. 

As I was writing this I have like 6 drafts, and it’s taken me three weeks to just write about week one. But then I realized something. Maybe I am going about this wrong, maybe instead of making this blog all about how much my life sucks, or how much I feel like the world is falling apart. Because I could just say that the last few weeks have been [BLEEP]. Now you can imagine whatever you want that word to be, but for me, I don’t think I should say which word I was thinking. It probably isn’t—–scratch that I know it isn’t appropriate. But that doesn’t even matter because I don’t even think that word fits what actually happened in the last few weeks. Because that word only focuses on the bad, and not how or what I learned from the difficult times.

So let me show you how God has changed me, completely broke me, and then put me back together again.

As a start, I want to ask you a few questions…

Have you ever felt like you are just not good enough to be a Christian? Have you ever felt like you aren’t good enough for God?  Worthy? What even is that? Have you ever felt that no matter what you do you are just going to be a mistake? Have you ever tried to change yourself to fit in? Have you given up part of your personality because you thought that’s what everybody wanted you to be? Have you ever told yourself that you are the way you are because of what has happened to you? Have you been telling yourself that you are not loveable or likable? Do you believe that? Have you ever sat and just asked yourself “what am I to me?”?

The thing is I’ve felt most if not all of those. And it’s haunted me, I’ve shoved it under a rug for so long that I thought it subconsciously. I have been running from my feelings for the last 10 years. So, you can imagine how hard it would be for me when God decided to show me the answers to those questions and started to hardcore correct my thoughts.

At the start of Training camp if I were to ask myself “what am I to me?” I would have said “ Unlovable. Unworthy. Not good enough. Pretty but not beautiful. Definitely not Christian enough to be here.” Just to name a few things that went through my head. Anyone else feel that way?  I figured.  So I’m going to give you a truth that helped me get past all that. Here it goes… “It’s all lies.”

That is the truth. I know. It seems stupid, but guys you have to know that it is all lies. Lies other people have told you or lies you have made up yourself and then started to believe. But either way, they are lies. I get it, you probably have a past, reasons for why you think this way or that, but so do I. And I let my past completely destroy who I was. I don’t think I ever was truly me. I had so much hate for myself and the people around me, that I became someone I’m not. Someone I hate. I became the person that I had so much hate for and all because I believed the lies.

Nobody has the right to make you feel less than what you are, INCLUDING yourself. Nobody has the right to tell you that you aren’t good enough or worthy. Because your worth isn’t based on other people’s opinions. Your worth isn’t even what you think about yourself. Your worth is found in the Father. God said you are worthy, all you have to do is choose to take that free ticket to everlasting life. Because no matter how broken you feel, no matter how unlovable you think you are, God can take you and make you whole.

I had been sitting over here worry about what everybody was going to think about me, and thinking that I wasn’t good enough for God, definitely not Christian enough, and way too broken. I had been living my life placing my worth in things of the world, and other people’s opinions. Living a life where I wasn’t even considering that God is where my worth is. I understand what you guys are thinking. But I’m telling you there is a much better way, and it’s through Jesus. He is what made you worthy, he died for us guys. Because he knew nothing in this world could ever make you whole again. I was tired of trying to find my worth and my happiness in things of the world, so I found my way back to him.

Just think about it. Okay? Are your cigarettes making you feel better about the way you feel? Does drinking yourself to sleep make you feel better? Does constantly trying to be someone you’re not really worth the pain of losing part of yourself? How about you? Are you still holding on to what happened to you because you aren’t fixable?

God doesn’t care about any of it. All he sees is his child, pure, and in need of his love. Choosing him every day has been soo hard, but also the best decision of my life. I have Joy. JOY! I have never been this happy in my life. And it’s all because I let God make me whole again.

so now if you were to ask me “who am I to me?” I would say “worthy, lovable, and  completely beautiful.”

This is me now, completely happy and at peace. This picture was taken the day after I chose God again. When joy became a constant. 

I am sorry guys that I just now have posted, but I do hope to post more often. 

Have a GREAT day!!! Be HAPPY!! and please please please remember to PRAY!!!! Love you guys!